MIAMI -- Always seeking to capitalize on touchy situations, Monsanto announced the launch of a synthetic lime seed. The limes are designed to resist lime disease and fires, by transforming into flavorless green rocks. Taco Bell has already ordered significant quantities of these seeds, which are expected to be used in their shitty margaritas. Margaret A. Hamburg, the current FDA director, is unlikely to stop the corporation she previously led for 20 years from marketing this revolutionary new food.
New scientific studies from the University of Miami have also announced the creation of a new breakthrough eyedrop for alleviating cateracts. Monsanto’s new limes have been credited with this discovery, and ailing sufferers have been encouraged to try this new treatment by squeezing limes directly into their eyes. Students from the University of Miami have also reported successes of this new lime in curing gonorrhea, as claimed during trials conducted in Cancun during the ‘Spring Break’ experimental period. Participants reported higher rates of success when combined with homeopathic remedies such as Corona and tequila.
