Sunday, May 18, 2014
BREAKING: PRESIDENT OF MEXICO DECLARED MISSING
WASHINGTON -- President Enrique Pena Nieto, en route to an emergency meeting with members of the United States Cabinet, disappeared en route to Washington DC.His aircraft, however, has disappeared over two hours ago and contact can no longer be made.
Reports state that the aircraft President Nieto was flying in was operated by Malaysian Airlines.
Committee Statement: United States of America
Press Statement
"We, the entire cabinet, would like to resign from our respective posts due to disapproval of the President's actions. His refusal to resign despite his incompetence in the last few hours is appalling. We refuse to be part of this cabinet for a second longer. God Bless America! "
New Mexican President
In a landslide decision by the Assembly, Asst. Attorney General's Office for Special Investigations on Organized Crime (SEIDO), Rodrigo Barrientos, was chosen as the new President of Mexico.
Vigilantes Kill Drug Lord "El Viceroy"
Coahuila vigilantes capture and killed leader of the Juarez Cartel known as “El Viceroy”. In a rather gruesome death, the vigilantes drew and quartered the drug lord- an old fashioned torture method where the victim’s limbs are tied to horses and the horses are sent to run off in opposite directions. The vigilantes were reportedly somewhat disappointed that they had killed this particular cartel leader- they apparently mistook him for Jalisco cartel leader “El Menchito” (who actually died from medical complications today).
EL CHAPO DEAD
Upon the directive of the United States government to transfer El Chapo to Illinois, he gained control of the car, in either a hail mary move to escape or the last action of a desperate man, El Chapo dislocated his shoulder to get out of the handcuffs and fakes an episode. He managed to disable his guards and gains control of the transfer vehicle. In the process of his escape, he get shot in the shoulder and crashes the car into a tree by a roadside ravine. An insider tells us that despite his propensity for escaping prison, this last desperate measure may have been in reaction to discovering that he had Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer, discovered when he had a extensive exam before transfer to a new detention facility.
EL MENCHITO DEAD
Late Sunday afternoon El Menchito died from an infection stemming from previously sustained wounds. He was receiving treatment in a hospital when the hospital began to collapse from structural failure. While he and most of the staff and patients, along with Menchito escaped the collapse, the panic caused his wound to reopen. Officials suspect that the polluted air caused by the debris. The infection then caused his lungs to collapse and his brain to clott. He was pronounced dead at 3:45pm PST. More on this story as it unfolds.
Press Statement: Representative of Jalisco, Vigilantes
Press Statement
"The Jalisco Vigilante Coalition strongly abhors the inhumane killing of innocent Mexicans in the state of Jalisco by the Secretary of Defense. We in no way agree with the secretary’s actions. In fact, the Secretary has violated international laws and should be held accountable for his actions. We call for the US government to imprison Chuck Hagel and all of those that are responsible for this deplorable act. We send our deepest condolences to the fellow victims and families."
Representative of Jalisco
Coalition of the Mexican Vigilante Defense Force
Press Statement: Secretary of Defense, United States of America
Press Statement
"The United States Secretary of Defense on behalf of the Department of Defense would like to underline the express importance of striking forward upon the leaders of Jalisco this afternoon. The United States of America will not stand for the death of one thousand American soldiers. The U.S. will continue to move forward militarily until the terrorist threat has been eliminated."
Secretary of Defense
United States of America
BREAKING: Assassination Attempt on El Menchito
Breaking News today from the Paulina Peña Pretalina Memorial Hospital in Mexico City. In what appears to have been an assassination attempt on the infamous El Menchito, members of the Jalisco cartel have reportedly provided over one dozen bouquets of flowers to El Menchito's room. Shortly after, multiple explosions occurred in the vicinity of the area leading to the complete destruction of the entire hospital wing. Authorities suspect the bouquets were filled with large amounts of plastic explosives.
Authorities have issued no comment in regards to the status of El Menchito nor others in the hospital at the time of the attack.
BREAKING NEWS: PRESIDENT OBAMA RESIGNS
President Barack Obama resigned this afternoon from his position. Details have not been released but the move is suspected to be directly related to recent controversial actions taken to combat Mexican drug cartels.
Country On Route To Collapse
In an absurd decision by the Mexican Cabinet, the Mexican-US border remains closed to all traffic; this includes commercial and air traffic.
U.S. goods and private services trade with Mexico totalled an estimated $536 billion in 2012 (latest data available). Exports totalled $243 billion; Imports totalled $293 billion. Mexico is currently America’s 3rd largest goods trading partner and 3rd largest supplier of goods imports in 2013. The five largest import categories in 2013 were: Vehicles (cars, trucks and parts) ($59.6 billion), Electrical Machinery ($57.4 billion), Machinery ($42.6 billion), Mineral Fuel and Oil (crude) ($34.8 billion), and Optic and Medical Instruments ($10.7 billion).
While the cabinet remains convinced this is a good idea, economists from Mexico and around the world have already expressed their disapproval and concern about the decision. The Mexican Cabinet stands by its decision knowing full well that the impacts will be negative, but they want to hurt the United States. The Cabinet was in agreement that it this a short term act, but it appears that the US will cave in first.
When asked when they will reopen the border, the response was almost instantaneous; getting rid of President Obama and the cabinet with a group that is willing to deal in good faith and reestablish the relationships between America and Canada.
The cabinet is more worried about what the American president thinks about them than their own people. Closing the border to America will hurt the Americans, but not before it has killed Mexico. The Mexican cabinet needs to reconsider this decision before their country falls further into chaos and more people fall into poverty.
BREAKING: Wife of Secretariat of Interior Kidnapped
MEXICO CITY -- Laura Vargas Carrillo, wife of Secretary of Interior Miguel Angel Osorio Chong, was kidnapped earlier today. The three assailants were armed with M4A1 assault rifles and drove away in an anonymous white van. The assailants messaged Secretary Chong to say that she will be smuggled in a crate all the way back to Chihuahua where she will be held prisoner. No responsibility has been claimed as of yet.
BREAKING NEWS: US Airstrikes On Mexican Cartel Leaders Kill Hundreds of Civilians
Airstrikes in Mexico killed hundreds of civilians today in the state of Jalisco. Acting on an order to “take any means necessary” to kill Jalisco cartel leaders, five separate airstrikes hit the Western coast of the state. Leaders were strategically hidden in civilian areas, but the United States Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel ordered the attack anyways.
Currently at least 200 people have been killed by airstrikes, with countless more injured. The United States’ blatant disregard for human life and for Mexican sovereignty is unacceptable. The US needs to cease all military action in Mexico immediately and resume diplomatic means of addressing drug violence. Cartel Violence cannot be resolved by murdering innocent civilians. If the goal of the US is to eliminate the negative effects of the drug trade at home and across the border, ravaging civilian populations is not the answer.
Press Statement: Secretary of State, United States of America
Press Statement
Secretary of State John Kerry will be attending a meeting
with the representatives of the Organization of American States in the coming
days to discuss the social and political unrest in Mexico.
The Secretary will
also address potential approaches the international community and the U.S. can
take to permanently deal with drug cartels in Mexico.
The meeting will take place at the Organization of American
States permanent mission in Panama:
Edificio 122 A y B / Ciudad del Saber
Clayton, Panamá - Apto. Postal 0843-03290
Panamá República de Panamá
Secretary of State
United States of America
CIA Director Fears For His Life
In a leaked memo to the Deputy Director of the CIA from CIA Director:
“Barack Obama threatened the safety of my family. I was ordered to release El Chappo into the control of Secretary of National Defense. Even though I recommended against this, I had no choice. This further convinces me that Barack Obama is looking to overthrow the President of Mexico.”
Back Door Deal To Transfer El Chapo
“CIA Director-As El Chapo is currently being held by the CIA, I am authorizing his transfer to General Salvador Cienfuegos Zepeda.”
It is clear from this information that the CIA Director has struck a unilateral back door deal, without the consent of the National Cabinet, to transfer El Chapo back to Mexico.
Press Statement: Representative of Michocan, Vigilantes
Committee Statement
Representative of Michoacan
Coalition of the Mexican Vigilante Forces
Organ Donation by Local Chihuahua Vigilante Group
A member of the a local Chihuahua vigilante group has publicly announced that the 9 million dollars given to them by the CIA will go towards rebuilding soup kitchens, establishing a clean lifestyle campaign, and rebuilding schools.
In addition to this, the organs of all cartel members killed in combat will be donated to local hospitals.
BREAKING: Assassination Attempt on Melissa
MEXICO CITY-- An assassination attempt took place today when the vigilantes opened fire on members of the Knights Templar in order to terminate Melissa. However, her new husband, Rubén Oseguera González, "El Menchito" from the Jalisco New Generation Cartel was hit instead. While Melissa escaped the encounter unscathed, her devoted husband Rubén was injured in exchange. Using his body as a shield, he was shot protecting Melissa. He was rushed to a local hospital where his gun shot wound to the shoulder is being treated.
Committee Statement: Cabinet of Mexico
Committee Statement
"The Mexican government is gravely disappointing with its citizens that identify as vigilantes. They have betrayed the Mexican people and the Mexican state. These people should be reminded that El Chapo is largely a perpetrator of crimes in Mexico and indeed has escaped from US prisons before. The Cabinet will take the most recent vigilante statement that "We hope that this is a sign of good faith and would like to work with governments to further secure Mexico" as statement declaring opposition to the Mexican government, and we will treat this as such."
Government of Mexico
Press Statement: President of the United States
"In light of the recent attacks on our embassy and troops in Mexico, I will be cancelling my trip to Mexico City. I am still very much interested in cooperating with our partners in the OAS. I will reschedule this meeting to a time and location that is safer for all involved."
President of the United States of America
Press Statement: Secretary of State, United States
"In light of the recent attacks on our embassy and troops in Mexico, I will be cancelling my trip to Mexico City. I am still very much interested in cooperating with our partners in the OAS. I will reschedule this meeting to a time and location that is safer for all involved.."
Secretary of State
United States of America
Secretary Kerry Plans Trip to Mexico Despite Calls for His Assassination
United States Secretary of State John Kerry still plans to visit Mexico this weekend. This comes in despite of security concerns following public death threats from both Cartel and Vigilante factions. Both blame the United States for the continued escalation in violence in the past week and have publicly called for his death. One Cartel leader, La Becca Traficante of the Sinaloa Cartel, known by locals as the She-Devil of the South, has offered up a bounty for his scalp. State Department officials state they are doubling their security in preparation for this trip. Kerry expressed little concern for the recent death threats, stating that his mission was of the utmost concern.
Press Statement: Representative of Jalisco, Vigilantes
"The Jalisco Vigilante Coalition openly denounces the
accusation that suggests that we had any part in organizing a plan to kill Sec.
Kerry. We will continue to remain focused despite the rumors that are presented
in the news. We are now placing more emphasis on human trafficking which has
become the drug cartels secondary market."
Representative of Jalisco
Vigilantes
Ryan Gosling to star as Cartel Leader “El Chapo” in Upcoming Mexican Soap Opera
UniMas, sister network of UniVision, has announced that they will cast American celebrity Ryan Gosling to star as infamous Sinaloa cartel leader “El Chapo” Guzman in the upcoming soap opera El Varon de la Droga. While the star generally acts in popular American movies, Gosling had the following to say about this upcoming role: “Soap opera acting talent goes far too unrecognized- actors have to prepare to act in shows that air 5 days a week, for extremely long seasons or even for the entire year. I also could not be more excited to play El Chapo. His life events make for a truly fascinating story, and I hope to make his hand in the truly violent acts he perpetrated against civilians better known to the public. Plus, I have to say, he and I bare a striking resemblance to each other.”
This announcement comes out in light of recent events surrounding El Chapo being kidnapped from a maximum security prison in Mexico, moving through the hands of rival cartel members to the hands of Mexican vigilantes, and finally into the hands of the US CIA. Surely, El Chapo’s life will make for excellent soap opera material.
Press Statement: Secretaries of State, Defense, and Homeland Security
"In response to the myriad of accusations against members of the United States Cabinet, we want to assure the American people that the Departments of State, Defense, and Homeland Security continue to work united, in accordance with the law, and in the interest the American people. "
Secretaries of State, Defense, and Homeland Security
United States of America
Vigilantes to Educate Suspects of the Mexican Governor Assassination
Following “The Children of the Corn” incident, the Michoacan
vigilantes have publicly announced that they will fund the education of the perpetrators of the crime. “These children are our future. Regardless of what the government might accuse them of, we must provide for them.”
No word has been given whether or not these children will be educated in the state of Michoacan.
Confusing Rhetoric
Mexico
The Secretary of the Interior of Mexico, Miguel Ángel Osorio Chong, has publicly stated that the Mexican government is going to support Mexican lime farmers that have been devastated by bad growing weather and a virus that has attacked lime crop. The Secretary is suggesting the government offer no-interest loans to farmers that have been affected by the crop with no stipulations they grow limes.
It is confused with this kind of rhetoric coming from the Secretary. What incentives are there for the farmers to continue growing limes? This policy runs the danger of inadvertently allowing farmers to switch crops and grow high-profit crops, legal or illegal. The market reacted negatively to the suggestion by the Secretary.
Press Statement: Jalisco Cartel
Press Statement
"The Jalisco cartel wants to
publicly announce that it has indeed poisoned around 1000 American marines in
the region of Guerra. These troops were illegally stationed in a country,
violating its sovereignty and putting the Mexican people at risk. We will not
tolerate any more incursions; we will not accept any more threats. If the
Yankees cross rio grande, they won’t be making it back. You have been warned."
Jalisco Cartel
"I Will Have John Kerry Killed"
A message obtained from the Vigilante group Jalisco to the Assistant Secretary of State for Western Hemisphere Affairs states “I will have (John) Kerry killed”.
We’re unsure why Jalisco has sent this message to the Assistant Secretary of State for Western Hemisphere Affairs, nor the motivation behind the planned killing, given the recent aid provided to these Vigilante groups.
BREAKING NEWS
The Mexican National Security Cabinet voted to close the border between Mexico and the United States until further notice.
Committee Statement: Vigilante Coalition
"The Vigilante Coalition has just delivered El Chapo to the CIA headquarters.The Vigilante Coalition would like to point out that we kept our promise to the CIA and delivered El Chapo. He is safely detained by the US government and they will decide his fate from there. The Vigilante Coalition has succeeded in capturing and delivering El Chapo whereas the Mexican Government has failed in keeping Mexico safe. We hope that this is a sign of good faith and would like to work with governments to further secure Mexico."
Coalition of the Mexican Vigilante Defense Force
Governor of Michoacan Gruesomely Assassinated by Children
Late Sunday, what was supposed to be a celebration quickly turned into a tragedy when the Governor of the Michoacan was the victim of an assassination. While the Governor's guards anticipated a threat, it came from the most unlikely of sources; children. The Governor was assaulted by several dozen children, who tied him down while stopping to meet them, and was subsequently shot dead with bows and arrows. After filling him with over 50 arrows, the Governor was declared dead. The children, who the Governor met with while his assistants were talking to community leaders, were also able to get past the guards by trapping them in a nearby house after reporting a false threat.
The Governor was then led to a nearby house. By the time police had arrived the children had fled into a near by corn field. Locals report that none of the children actually lived in the town.
The Governor reportedly very unpopular in this part of Michoacan. As a result, many of the locals have proclaimed the mysterious children as heroes and have come to be known as "The Children of the Corn". One local we spoke to proclaimed that in celebration every year from now on, this day should be commemorated as a holiday where children shall shoot arrows at scarecrows 
BREAKING: WikiLeaks Intercepts Message
WikiLeaks has obtained a message from the President of the United States. While the President is pushing for 20,000 troops, the Secretary of Defense is opposed to it. We're unsure whether troops will be deployed to the Mexican border, or into Mexico. More info to come as it is made available from our sources.
Interview With CIA
In an extremely rare interview, CIA Director John Brennan spoke to the correspondent about recent allegations and the recent increase of cartel violence in Mexico. Visibly upset and offended that people were suggesting he is not working in the best interests of the US, Brennan says that he is being framed by people within the White House and other senior US officials.
The White House has been abuzz with activity in the past week with the increased violence in Mexico following the escape of cartel leader El Chapo from the Mexican super maximum prison. During the kerfuffle, allegations about the Director undermining the President and acting on his own wishes flood the halls and benches of Capitol Hill.
The first accusation he denied was regarding an alleged directive that would have assassinated the Director of the FBI. These rumours come following a WikiLeaks report about FBI investigations of the CIA. He noted that this is not in the interest of the United States and would undermine all the hard work of the FBI in protecting America.
He also spoke up regarding the recent drug bust of the Mexican President. He said “the CIA was ordered by [President] Obama to plant drugs in the Mexican president’s limo.” “I personally found this order to be against the best wishes of the United States of America as we must be fostering relationships with our neighbours, not destroying them,” he concluded.
He believes that there is more to be done to help the citizens of Mexico while pursuing the best interests of the USA
Who’s Who: Melissa of the Knights Templar is MARRIED in a surprise Cancun wedding!
CANCUN-- International power player and beauty, Melissa of the Knights Templar is now married to Rubén Oseguera González, also known as "El Menchito" from the Jalisco New Generation Cartel. The couples’ starcrossed love story began when Melissa and Rubén’s “eyes met across a gun fights--I knew it was meant to be.” Through these tense times the couple chooses to focus on their loved ones and each other, throwing a huge no expense spared wedding in Cancun. Though their love was aided by their geography, they remain strong as a wedded unit amid rumors of secret meetings with Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel. Are these meetings just business? The couple remained coy, though Rubén did admit that Hagel had “very good taste in scented candles.” With high hopes in an uncertain future, this couple is one to watch!
BREAKING NEWS- El Chapo Transfer to CIA
Representatives of the vigilante groups Baja Calofornia and Estado de Mexico have revealed that El Chapo has been released to the Central Intelligence Agency.
No word has been heard as to the conditions of El Chapo's current arrest.
CIA Provides 81 Million Dollars to Mexican Vigilantes
The Director of the CIA, with the authorization of the President, has provided 81 million Dollars and American military technology to a Mexican vigilante organization. CNN Mexico received this information from an anonymous source within the American Government with access to the National Security Council.
BREAKING: One Thousand Marines Poisoned in Guerrero
Univision has received an anonymous report from a trusted source of a mass poisoning in Guerrero:
One thousand american marines, who were stationed in the guerrero province without the permission of the mexican government, have been poisoned through the insertion of ricin on their water supply. The attack was perpetrated by a sleeper cell of the jalisco cartel.
Though American Marines were stationed in Mexico, the amount stationed was significantly higher than previously known. The poisoning has not been reported to the local media or police, and area hospitals have not received any victims seeking treatment.
Rumours Swirl Over Mexican President
Amidst growing cartel violence in Mexico, President Enrique Peña Nieto’s daughter has been killed. While the perpetrators are still unknown, rumors from Mexico City and government officials suggest that the President himself is under suspicion for killing his own daughter.
The rumours suggest that President Nieto is unable to handle the recent events of earthquakes and cartel violence, and killed his daughter to gain public sympathy in an effort to overshadow his shortcomings. As his political influence dwindles, analysts believe the possible assassination of his own daughter may draw support from the public.
Media Release: Secretary Kerry Travels to Mexico City
Media Release
Secretary of State John Kerry will travel to Mexico City,
Mexico, in the coming days to discuss a range of bilateral issues, including
expanding trade and economic growth, and our continuing security cooperation
with members of the Organization of American States.
Press Statement: Representative of Sonora, Vigilantes
"The Sonora Vigilante Coalition doesn’t deny meeting with the CIA. However, we did not personally send people to kill The Sinaloa Cartel members during the meeting. The CIA agents were beyond our control. If the Sonora Vigilante Coalition wanted the Sinaloa Cartel leaders, we would have done so ourselves. The Sonora Vigilante Coalition is looking out for our people."
Representative of Sonora
Vigilante Coalition
Monsanto Announces New Synthetic Lime Strain
MIAMI -- Always seeking to capitalize on touchy situations, Monsanto announced the launch of a synthetic lime seed. The limes are designed to resist lime disease and fires, by transforming into flavorless green rocks. Taco Bell has already ordered significant quantities of these seeds, which are expected to be used in their shitty margaritas. Margaret A. Hamburg, the current FDA director, is unlikely to stop the corporation she previously led for 20 years from marketing this revolutionary new food.
New scientific studies from the University of Miami have also announced the creation of a new breakthrough eyedrop for alleviating cateracts. Monsanto’s new limes have been credited with this discovery, and ailing sufferers have been encouraged to try this new treatment by squeezing limes directly into their eyes. Students from the University of Miami have also reported successes of this new lime in curing gonorrhea, as claimed during trials conducted in Cancun during the ‘Spring Break’ experimental period. Participants reported higher rates of success when combined with homeopathic remedies such as Corona and tequila.
Decapitated Fish Heads Sent to the Homes of Local Cartel Members
A Michoacan vigilante group has been identified as responsible for sending decapitated fish heads to the homes of local cartel members. According to an inside source, the fish were taken from the local vigilante-controlled port. This port happens to be the second largest in Mexico.
Our source added that vigilantes stuck knives in the fish heads as a show of solidarity against the villainous cartel.
Mexican Secretary of Interior Statement on American Incursion
The Mexican Secretary of Interior has released a statement in reply to the speculation of American land invasion, “I condemn any American incursions into our soil and reiterate that the US does not have the authorization to put any of their military on our ground or in our air space. Any violations will be considered an act of war.”
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