PRESIDENT OBAMA STILL CLAIMS PRESIDENCY

BREAKING: PRESIDENT OF MEXICO DECLARED MISSING

WASHINGTON -- President Enrique Pena Nieto, en route to an emergency meeting with members of the United States Cabinet, disappeared en route to Washington DC.His aircraft, however, has disappeared over two hours ago and contact can no longer be made.

Reports state that the aircraft President Nieto was flying in was operated by Malaysian Airlines.

Committee Statement: United States of America

Press Statement

"We, the entire cabinet, would like to resign from our respective posts due to disapproval of the President's actions. His refusal to resign despite his incompetence in the last few hours is appalling. We refuse to be part of this cabinet for a second longer. God Bless America! "

New Mexican President

In a landslide decision by the Assembly, Asst. Attorney General's Office for Special Investigations on Organized Crime (SEIDO), Rodrigo Barrientos, was chosen as the new President of Mexico.  

Vigilantes Kill Drug Lord "El Viceroy"

Coahuila vigilantes capture and killed leader of the Juarez Cartel known as “El Viceroy”. In a rather gruesome death, the vigilantes drew and quartered the drug lord- an old fashioned torture method where the victim’s limbs are tied to horses and the horses are sent to run off in opposite directions. The vigilantes were reportedly somewhat disappointed that they had killed this particular cartel leader- they apparently mistook him for Jalisco cartel leader “El Menchito” (who actually died from medical complications today).

FOOTAGE OF EL CHAPO'S CAR CRASH

FOOTAGE SHOWS EL CHAPO KILLED ON BUSY HIGHWAY

EL CHAPO DEAD

 

Upon the directive of the United States government to transfer El Chapo to Illinois, he gained control of the car, in either a hail mary move to escape or the last action of a desperate man,  El Chapo dislocated his shoulder to get out of the handcuffs and fakes an episode. He managed to disable his guards and gains control of the transfer vehicle. In the process of his escape, he get shot in the shoulder and crashes the car into a tree by a roadside ravine. An insider tells us that despite his propensity for escaping prison, this last desperate measure may have been in reaction to discovering that he had Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer, discovered when he had a extensive exam before transfer to a new detention facility.